Sunday, June 11, 2006

Jellied Mush, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Eat My Cigarette Butts!

Okay, so tonight for the very first time in my life I saw Sex And The City. Well, I can’t really say that I saw it. I watched a few minutes of it on Fox. I cannot believe what I saw though. It was, without a doubt, a few of the worst minutes of television that I have ever seen. I can’t believe that it was watched by so many people and was a hit. The writing was just horrible. The characters were these washed out, watered down humanoid creatures. It was awful. I would even go as a far as to say excruciating. I just stared at it, unable to pull my eyes away from the TV. It was like watching a baby get eaten alive by wolves. Too horrible to watch and yet just freakishly awful enough that I couldn’t turn away. In just a few minutes I saw punch lines that I should have seen coming from a mile away, but didn’t because they were so bad that I couldn’t imagine any television show that any more than two or three people would watch using them. It was horrendous. It somehow managed to be worse than Friends, and that’s saying something in my book. I was finally able to turn away when my survival instincts made me put my cigarette out in my eye. Although, to my credit, I barely noticed the cigarette. It only hurt slightly more than Sex And The City did.

Something else hit me in the face this week. For the first time I saw the beer commercial with the “Don’t wish your girlfriend was hot like me” song. What the fuck?!? I just don’t understand. What is with that song? I just don’t get why everyone likes it so much. Could there possibly be more trite, ridiculous lyrics. Well, I suppose there could be but, Britney Spears is busy birthing babies and Justin Timberlake is off somewhere trying desperately to find a suitable replacement for Michael Jackson to rip off. (Here’s a suggestion...let’s get the whole lot of you to try impersonating Jim Morrison. At least he had the decency to die before we could all catch on to his schtick. Sorry, baby boomers but being drunk and stoned is not art. Neither is warbling and yelling. Throw the two together and what do you have...a dead guy.) Anyway, I don’t even know where to start with all of this. What can I possibly say about a bunch of hoed out bitches strutting along singing about being trashy and whorish and then having the whole fucking world snap up their albums and run wild with it? Gotta love the kids these days. No, scratch that.. gotta love marketing. We have somehow figured out how to sell shit to people who wouldn’t be caught dead cleaning up after their own dogs. I bet you the people who buy this crap are the same ones who are responsible for the return of capri pants (buy some fucking look ridiculous) and the enduring popularity MTV. Give me a fucking break. I just recently got digital cable and found out there are like thirty six MTVs and Vh1s. Guess what. Some of them play videos. Not the originals, but hey, we can at least give them credit for pandering. Oh, how many goddamned soul and jams channels do we need and why don’t just call it what it is. Hydrogenated substitute crap that years and years ago passed for music before it was bastardized and raped and turned in what they now call R and B and rap. Call me cynical, but I almost long for the days of Gangsta rap and Boyz II Men and that’s saying something again. What the hell ever happened to folks like Stevie Wonder and Marvin Gaye and rap before it was all about shooting people and bling and jewelry? Keep in mind that I gave up all most all forms of new music a while ago. It’s all just turned into some kind of jellied mush. Hell, most of the older bands and old bands that I loved have turned into jellied mush. For Christ’s sake, or for my sake rather, just give it up. In the meantime, quit trying so fucking hard to market music and just make it. See if that does anything for you. While I’m at it, is there any chance that anyone out there could get MTV and VH1 cancelled. I won’t even get into CMT and GAC. As long as someone is watching those two channels I know that there is one less dingbat on the streets. On the flip side I do have to give the country stations credit for something. I did recently see a Dolly Parton video. Kudos. Maybe country radio followed your lead icons like Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson wouldn’t be shoved off into the dustbins of the past. Remember new does not necessarily mean fresh.


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